So, I just started reading Life Without Ed, and I am impressed. Although I am not very far into the book (due to my current fears of working on recovery), I have already gotten much out of it. One technique that has helped me ease my mind around whether I "should" or "should not" read--and to what chapter I "should" or "should not" read to--is taking each section as it comes, one-by-one. If I don't set any expectations for my progress with the book, then I have more flexibility around where I begin and end during a reading. In the beginning, I could only read the introduction. Progress. Eventually, I read the first chapter. Progress. Now, I am able to read two or three chapters in one sitting. Anxieties are beginning to lesson; I just need to be nice to myself and focus on what I am reading in the book--not what I need to get to.
Here is a chapter (SHORT) from the book that really resonates with my personal eating disorder:
I stepped on the elevator with three other people. That made a total of five of us on the elevator. Yes, I did say five. Ed [the eating disorder] was also along for the ride. As soon as the elevator doors shut and we headed up, Ed whispered in my ear, "Congratulations, Jenni. You are the thinnest person on this elevator. You are really special today." The elevator stopped at floor three, and a very petite woman stepped inside.
Ed immediately said, "Jenni, that woman is thinner than you. You are so large. You have really let go of yourself." From the ground floor to level three, I felt as if I had gained twenty or thirty pounds. Have you ever gained weight while riding an elevator? If you have, then you must be familiar with one of Ed's favorite rules: "You must always be the thinnest person in any given place at any given time."
Ed has rules for everything. There are wardrobe rules: "Your 'skinny' jeans must always fit your body loosely," and, "On the days that you binge, you must wear your baggy clothes." Then, there is the dining rule: "You must always eat less than the people you are dining with on any occasion." Your Ed may have slightly different rules for you, but one thing is for sure. He has rules, and he expects you to follow them.
What happens if you do not follow Ed's rules? When I don't obey Ed, he tells me that I am a worthless individual. He says, "If you don't do what I am saying, you will never be successful. People will just look down on you for your whole life. You will never realize your full potential."
On the other hand, if I listen to Ed and do what he says, he tells me, "You are so special. You are doing what 'normal' people can't do. You are a success. If you keep listening to me, your life will be wonderful. You will always be in control." In reality, you must remember who is really in control--Ed.
When you are trying to begin your separation from Ed, it is important that you first recognize Ed's rules in your life. You must be able to distinguish between standards that Ed holds for you and healthy boundaries that you set for yourself. You must realize that Ed's rules do not make sense. For instance, many of Ed's rules contradict each other. On one day, Ed tells you not to touch that ice cream or dare drink that soda. Then, the very next day, Ed says, "Eat that entire gallon of ice cream, and drink three cans of soda. Eat as much as you can until you feel sick." Ed's rules are designed to harm us.
After you are able to recognize Ed's rules in your life, you must try to disagree with and disobey them. Even if it seems impossible for you to actually disagree with one of Ed's rules, you must still try to disobey him. If you are able to break his rules no matter what, you are taking a huge step toward separating from Ed. Disobeying Ed means you are moving in the right direction. Don't expect it to be easy.
Ed still has his same old rules for me, but I do not have to follow them anymore. Today I act from a position of personal strength and positive self-esteem. I order what I really want to eat in a restaurant. I wear clothes that are comfortable and that I feel good in. And I can even ride up an elevator without going up a dress size.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
LIFE
This is a quote that was on my birthday card from my dad's girlfriend:
Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is bliss, taste it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is a sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it...
--Mother Teresa
Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is bliss, taste it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is a sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it...
--Mother Teresa
Serenity Prayer
Serenity.
God Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Peace.
God Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Peace.
Friday, May 6, 2011
No Rhyme, No Fear
Yesterday, to celebrate receiving a job, I registered for a beginner's poetry workshop at the Augsburg Library. The course was taught by an elderly man who loved to talk about his wife and how wonderful his life was (very cute!).
I want to start off my blog with this summary of my poetic adventures because the discussion prior to writing really reminded me that there are many things that I know, but I tend to forget about them because they are so basic/natural: the senses. Clem Nagel--the cute, elderly man--reiterated what the "normal," five senses are: sight, touch, taste, smell and sound. However, Clem added that he read an interesting article in an arts and entertainment journal which stated that there is a sixth sense: metaphor. Without metaphor, life would not be tolerable or understood. I somewhat agreed with this statement; yet, I still have a hard time comparing "metaphor" with the other five senses. Nevertheless, the senses make poetry tick. It does not matter whether you know how to rhyme, how to write in iambic pentameter, how to write a haiku, etc. What matters is that you write what is real and what relates to one or many of the senses. With that said, I open my blog, "Sense Recovery," with a mini workshop in poetry.
We did three exercises for creative poetry writing:
1. "The History of My Life:" Begin with the phrase "Once upon a time." From there, skip two lines and draw two lines; skip two lines and draw two lines; and so on. Writing for a designated time (no longer than ten minutes), share your life story on the paper. Each line can rhyme--but doesn't have to; each line can be one word--but doesn't have to. The point is to get your creative juices flowing. Here is what I came up with:
Once upon a time.
Egg shells turned to bubbled walls
One became two as they burst through
Light and dark mixed in between
No identity for she and me
This pattern has played an important role
My life til now had been a floating cloud
Bumping and morphing
Always a stranger
Press my feet into the ground and wiggle my toes
As I reach through the earth and try to grow
Newness begins with a seed of hope
Which carries forth both dark and light
But this is me--combined in one.
***Notice: My poem did not write about my whole history. This is definitely okay! Some of your poems may start from the middle of your lives; others may start from the first time you smelled your grandfather's cologne--everything works! The key is to write and move on, trying to be gentle with yourself and your tendencies of being an inner critic. The reason that you leave a line or two in between each paired couplet (two lines of poetry) is to give you breathing room to accept what you have written and move on--without making "corrections" or "adjustments."
2. For the next activity, Clem took out a plastic bag full of printed words on paper and cut into individual pieces. Each word was a French word that had not been translated into an English word (very clever, Clem!). The task was to write a poem with help from the handful of words that Clem gave me. Rules: You do not have to use all/any of the words. You can make up your own words. The poem has no specific length. Everything works. (Vague, right?) So, here is what I came up with:
Eclair
Par excellence, la femme fatale
Creme brulee
Excusez-moi, le monsieur
Entrepreneur de critique
Creme de la creme de denouement
Decor de la plate
Flamboyant chef of words.
Since I am recovering from an eating disorder, I was not surprised when I gravitated to the names of desserts. Nonetheless, I was not going to throw the "food" words out just because they were "food." I took a chance and let the words be just that--words--for my poem. I actually love the result! It's goofy and definitely a poem written by someone who has taken Spanish--and not French!
3. This last poem was a group effort; this can be done with three people or more, and it is very helpful to do during awkward/boring periods of time. Clem started by looking around the room at all of the objects, textures, etc. Mentally picking one object, he wrote the sentence down on a piece of paper, and then he passed the paper on to the person to his right. The person receiving the paper reads the sentence and then writes his/her own sentence underneath the previous sentence. Once the newest sentence is written, the person folds the paper so that the next person to write does not see the original sentence. After the third person writes their sentence, the paper is folded again and passed to the next/first person. This process repeats for however long you or your group chooses. Here is a poem that my workshop came up with:
Circle hole in the wood--not fit for a square peg
But nothing much is these days
Unless you count your blessings
Let's take a turn around the room
No one has to say anything
No one has to tell
It seems time to breathe on it.
I absolutely love what we came up with! The last line is an "inside joke" between myself and the other "Writers of the Augsburg Park Poetry Workshop."
***Note: After each individual exercise, it is important to share your poems aloud--to yourself, in a mirror, or to another person. For the first two exercises, my fellows and I sat in our seats and read aloud. For the final exercise, we stood up in front of our peers, said our names, and read the final pieces to everyone present. This process of slowly standing up helped me gain confidence and find my voice within the group. It also helped to ease any tensions around social anxiety (especially the third exercise!).
I want to start off my blog with this summary of my poetic adventures because the discussion prior to writing really reminded me that there are many things that I know, but I tend to forget about them because they are so basic/natural: the senses. Clem Nagel--the cute, elderly man--reiterated what the "normal," five senses are: sight, touch, taste, smell and sound. However, Clem added that he read an interesting article in an arts and entertainment journal which stated that there is a sixth sense: metaphor. Without metaphor, life would not be tolerable or understood. I somewhat agreed with this statement; yet, I still have a hard time comparing "metaphor" with the other five senses. Nevertheless, the senses make poetry tick. It does not matter whether you know how to rhyme, how to write in iambic pentameter, how to write a haiku, etc. What matters is that you write what is real and what relates to one or many of the senses. With that said, I open my blog, "Sense Recovery," with a mini workshop in poetry.
We did three exercises for creative poetry writing:
1. "The History of My Life:" Begin with the phrase "Once upon a time." From there, skip two lines and draw two lines; skip two lines and draw two lines; and so on. Writing for a designated time (no longer than ten minutes), share your life story on the paper. Each line can rhyme--but doesn't have to; each line can be one word--but doesn't have to. The point is to get your creative juices flowing. Here is what I came up with:
Once upon a time.
Egg shells turned to bubbled walls
One became two as they burst through
Light and dark mixed in between
No identity for she and me
This pattern has played an important role
My life til now had been a floating cloud
Bumping and morphing
Always a stranger
Press my feet into the ground and wiggle my toes
As I reach through the earth and try to grow
Newness begins with a seed of hope
Which carries forth both dark and light
But this is me--combined in one.
***Notice: My poem did not write about my whole history. This is definitely okay! Some of your poems may start from the middle of your lives; others may start from the first time you smelled your grandfather's cologne--everything works! The key is to write and move on, trying to be gentle with yourself and your tendencies of being an inner critic. The reason that you leave a line or two in between each paired couplet (two lines of poetry) is to give you breathing room to accept what you have written and move on--without making "corrections" or "adjustments."
2. For the next activity, Clem took out a plastic bag full of printed words on paper and cut into individual pieces. Each word was a French word that had not been translated into an English word (very clever, Clem!). The task was to write a poem with help from the handful of words that Clem gave me. Rules: You do not have to use all/any of the words. You can make up your own words. The poem has no specific length. Everything works. (Vague, right?) So, here is what I came up with:
Eclair
Par excellence, la femme fatale
Creme brulee
Excusez-moi, le monsieur
Entrepreneur de critique
Creme de la creme de denouement
Decor de la plate
Flamboyant chef of words.
Since I am recovering from an eating disorder, I was not surprised when I gravitated to the names of desserts. Nonetheless, I was not going to throw the "food" words out just because they were "food." I took a chance and let the words be just that--words--for my poem. I actually love the result! It's goofy and definitely a poem written by someone who has taken Spanish--and not French!
3. This last poem was a group effort; this can be done with three people or more, and it is very helpful to do during awkward/boring periods of time. Clem started by looking around the room at all of the objects, textures, etc. Mentally picking one object, he wrote the sentence down on a piece of paper, and then he passed the paper on to the person to his right. The person receiving the paper reads the sentence and then writes his/her own sentence underneath the previous sentence. Once the newest sentence is written, the person folds the paper so that the next person to write does not see the original sentence. After the third person writes their sentence, the paper is folded again and passed to the next/first person. This process repeats for however long you or your group chooses. Here is a poem that my workshop came up with:
Circle hole in the wood--not fit for a square peg
But nothing much is these days
Unless you count your blessings
Let's take a turn around the room
No one has to say anything
No one has to tell
It seems time to breathe on it.
I absolutely love what we came up with! The last line is an "inside joke" between myself and the other "Writers of the Augsburg Park Poetry Workshop."
***Note: After each individual exercise, it is important to share your poems aloud--to yourself, in a mirror, or to another person. For the first two exercises, my fellows and I sat in our seats and read aloud. For the final exercise, we stood up in front of our peers, said our names, and read the final pieces to everyone present. This process of slowly standing up helped me gain confidence and find my voice within the group. It also helped to ease any tensions around social anxiety (especially the third exercise!).
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