So, the title of this post is "Blog Vomit. Welcome back?" because I have no idea how to blog anymore, and there are too many thoughts flying around in my head for me to focus and extend on any one for more than
maybe a paragraph. I guess this is just a welcome back to me post.
I need to focus on figuring out what I want and who I am. I know that I have been working on it for at least the last five years; however, I seem to make decisions based off of a big, looming emotion: Loneliness. It amazes me how powerful this emotion can control me. I try to ignore it, avoid it, and outwit it. I usually don't win. (I was tempted to say that I never win, but I do not like the word "never").
I haven't blogged for some time now, so it feels weird putting something out there on the interwebs... I need to start writing or journaling again to process a lot of stuff that is going on. This might be a good step bad into it. I think I may have posted before about this same thing. Just because I am saying it again, though, does not make it any less valid and emotion-filled as the previous post (if it exists still).
My mind is all over the place... My roommate and best friend for the past four and a half years is moving out tonight and leaving for Delaware. Oh, and her boyfriend (one of my other best friends) is also leaving with her. At least he will be here over the summer. I am so incredibly grateful that he will be here. I don't know who else I will hang out with though. I feel like a lot of my friends have moved on. Although I know that I can make friends easily, it just feels wrong to start over again. I wanted Minnesota to be my safe haven, which it has been - for the most part. It's just hard to feel like I don't belong, when I have felt like I belong for some time now.
Perhaps I do feel like I belong and I am just lonely, like I mentioned before. It is hard to distinguish which thoughts and feelings go together.
I have been feeling more extroverted and more like "me" than I have in awhile. Yet, I have many feelings of discomfort as well. I am not used to feeling like "me." I'm used to feeling like how I think others want me to be. I'm not used to feeling so many emotions and actually experiencing them on my own. I'm afraid of the future and being a disappointment. I'm afraid of not being perfect.
Anywho, that got into some of my deep, judgmental fears that I don't want to go further into at this time. A part of my anxiety is that I have rules for how far I can go with certain things - limiting myself in almost each activity, etc., that I have come across. I know that I tend to stop at this scary point of thinking about how often I limit myself. I don't think tonight is the night to explore this further. Maybe that will get me to start using my journal.
~Rachel
