- Natalie, for sending me her photo stream of the pictures she has taken on her phone in China.
- Natalie, for FaceTiming or iChatting with me.
- The crackle fireplace app on my computer (with a candle nearby to add some effect)
- Candles, for smelling so great!
- Clothes. Lots of them. Winter is cold!
- My mom, for loving me no matter what.
- My dad, for planning this huge trip to China over New Years to celebrate and reunite with Natalie.
- Merlin, the BBC show, for reminding me about how much I love magic and cheesy shows.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Grateful List
I feel so incredibly grateful right now... I am having a hard time even putting to words how thankful I am for the people in my life.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Overwhelmed?
So, today might be the day that I get my tattoo on my back shoulder... I'm very nervous and excited at the same time. A lot of my nerves stem from not seeing the artist in person yet. I've communicated a TON through her managers and assistants, but I haven't seen her yet...And I really want to see what her mock-ups look like... This tattoo will be on my body for the rest of my life (obviously), and it is also very expensive... I'm risking a lot with this.
For example, my dad is so disappointed in me to the point where he just decided to cut me off financially (besides insurance and phone--the phone was a Christmas present). What scares me is that now I have to work two jobs, probably full-time with both hours combined, finish an online class AND start another semester in school, and somehow fit in recovery appointments into all of this... I am sad because I have been doing yoga at The Emily Program for almost a year now, but I may have to stop because of all of this chaos. I might sign up for the Friday AM yoga group, and then see how my work schedule works around/with it.
Speaking of work, I train for my new job all of next week...I get paid a lot for training ($9.15/hr--woohoo!), but I will still be working my other job at Pinstripes... Hmm...when to get work/studying done... ? Any suggestions from my followers? Let me know!
Since I'm so busy, this is all I feel that my anxiety can handle to write right now... sitting still doesn't sound very appealing at the moment.
Scared and excited,
Rachel
For example, my dad is so disappointed in me to the point where he just decided to cut me off financially (besides insurance and phone--the phone was a Christmas present). What scares me is that now I have to work two jobs, probably full-time with both hours combined, finish an online class AND start another semester in school, and somehow fit in recovery appointments into all of this... I am sad because I have been doing yoga at The Emily Program for almost a year now, but I may have to stop because of all of this chaos. I might sign up for the Friday AM yoga group, and then see how my work schedule works around/with it.
Speaking of work, I train for my new job all of next week...I get paid a lot for training ($9.15/hr--woohoo!), but I will still be working my other job at Pinstripes... Hmm...when to get work/studying done... ? Any suggestions from my followers? Let me know!
Since I'm so busy, this is all I feel that my anxiety can handle to write right now... sitting still doesn't sound very appealing at the moment.
Scared and excited,
Rachel
Monday, August 20, 2012
Happy Birthday Demi Lovato!
Although she is mainly known as a teenage star on Disney Channel's "Camp Rock" and "Camp Rock 2," this actress and singer is an amazing role model for girls around the world. She has gone through rehab for self-harm and eating disorder recovery, and she does not give in to critical comments about her body. Great for her! I can't imagine having an eating disorder AND being famous. Luckily, I am just a middle-person in the country, so I only need to focus on my eating disorder recovery.
She even has tattoos on her wrists to cover up the scars: "Stay Strong"
Happy GOLDEN Birthday Demi Lovato!
20 Years old on August 20th, 2012!
La.Bella.Vita: Expanding Your Knowledge
La.Bella.Vita: Expanding Your Knowledge: When I mention the words ‘eating disorder’ people immediately think of Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia. But, it shouldn’t stop there. There ar...
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Return
Wow, it's been awhile since I've posted on my blog...over a year. And it's amazing to read the posts that I put up. Even when I didn't want to work on recovery, I still posted on my blog to help give myself some hope and motivation.
I'm happy to say that I am much further along in my recovery than I was when I had created this blog. Sure, my anxiety is still really high; but, I am more aware of the rules in my life that the excerpt from Life Without Ed talks about. For example, I still have a rule about how much I can talk in conversations with certain people. How little I should say. If I say any more than the limit - I get in trouble. If I say less - it's okay. Similar to my eating disorder...if I eat less during the day, Ed congratulates me. If I eat even a tiny bit over my meal plan, I get a mental ass-whooping. Not anymore. Or, not as often, at least.
I now have a job as a host at a restaurant, and I also got another job working with disabled students on campus (yay!), AND I'm taking classes this semester. I don't remember the last time I was able to do so much at one time. It feels great! And it's all because I'm using common sense, but also taking care of myself nutritionally. I still have fear foods; I still fear calories. Those fears are not the same though as they were in the past. If I think about it, developing my eating disorder took many years... I can't expect myself to break free from it right away (although, that's what Ed wants me to think).
Since I'm just getting back into the groove of blogging, I'll end here for the day. There's much to be thankful for, and I am so grateful to have such an amazing support group that I've created from those close to me.
Here's a video of one of my favorite yoga poses to help release any tension you readers may have!
Namaste
I'm happy to say that I am much further along in my recovery than I was when I had created this blog. Sure, my anxiety is still really high; but, I am more aware of the rules in my life that the excerpt from Life Without Ed talks about. For example, I still have a rule about how much I can talk in conversations with certain people. How little I should say. If I say any more than the limit - I get in trouble. If I say less - it's okay. Similar to my eating disorder...if I eat less during the day, Ed congratulates me. If I eat even a tiny bit over my meal plan, I get a mental ass-whooping. Not anymore. Or, not as often, at least.
I now have a job as a host at a restaurant, and I also got another job working with disabled students on campus (yay!), AND I'm taking classes this semester. I don't remember the last time I was able to do so much at one time. It feels great! And it's all because I'm using common sense, but also taking care of myself nutritionally. I still have fear foods; I still fear calories. Those fears are not the same though as they were in the past. If I think about it, developing my eating disorder took many years... I can't expect myself to break free from it right away (although, that's what Ed wants me to think).
Since I'm just getting back into the groove of blogging, I'll end here for the day. There's much to be thankful for, and I am so grateful to have such an amazing support group that I've created from those close to me.
Here's a video of one of my favorite yoga poses to help release any tension you readers may have!
Namaste
Monday, May 16, 2011
Life Without ED
So, I just started reading Life Without Ed, and I am impressed. Although I am not very far into the book (due to my current fears of working on recovery), I have already gotten much out of it. One technique that has helped me ease my mind around whether I "should" or "should not" read--and to what chapter I "should" or "should not" read to--is taking each section as it comes, one-by-one. If I don't set any expectations for my progress with the book, then I have more flexibility around where I begin and end during a reading. In the beginning, I could only read the introduction. Progress. Eventually, I read the first chapter. Progress. Now, I am able to read two or three chapters in one sitting. Anxieties are beginning to lesson; I just need to be nice to myself and focus on what I am reading in the book--not what I need to get to.
Here is a chapter (SHORT) from the book that really resonates with my personal eating disorder:
I stepped on the elevator with three other people. That made a total of five of us on the elevator. Yes, I did say five. Ed [the eating disorder] was also along for the ride. As soon as the elevator doors shut and we headed up, Ed whispered in my ear, "Congratulations, Jenni. You are the thinnest person on this elevator. You are really special today." The elevator stopped at floor three, and a very petite woman stepped inside.
Ed immediately said, "Jenni, that woman is thinner than you. You are so large. You have really let go of yourself." From the ground floor to level three, I felt as if I had gained twenty or thirty pounds. Have you ever gained weight while riding an elevator? If you have, then you must be familiar with one of Ed's favorite rules: "You must always be the thinnest person in any given place at any given time."
Ed has rules for everything. There are wardrobe rules: "Your 'skinny' jeans must always fit your body loosely," and, "On the days that you binge, you must wear your baggy clothes." Then, there is the dining rule: "You must always eat less than the people you are dining with on any occasion." Your Ed may have slightly different rules for you, but one thing is for sure. He has rules, and he expects you to follow them.
What happens if you do not follow Ed's rules? When I don't obey Ed, he tells me that I am a worthless individual. He says, "If you don't do what I am saying, you will never be successful. People will just look down on you for your whole life. You will never realize your full potential."
On the other hand, if I listen to Ed and do what he says, he tells me, "You are so special. You are doing what 'normal' people can't do. You are a success. If you keep listening to me, your life will be wonderful. You will always be in control." In reality, you must remember who is really in control--Ed.
When you are trying to begin your separation from Ed, it is important that you first recognize Ed's rules in your life. You must be able to distinguish between standards that Ed holds for you and healthy boundaries that you set for yourself. You must realize that Ed's rules do not make sense. For instance, many of Ed's rules contradict each other. On one day, Ed tells you not to touch that ice cream or dare drink that soda. Then, the very next day, Ed says, "Eat that entire gallon of ice cream, and drink three cans of soda. Eat as much as you can until you feel sick." Ed's rules are designed to harm us.
After you are able to recognize Ed's rules in your life, you must try to disagree with and disobey them. Even if it seems impossible for you to actually disagree with one of Ed's rules, you must still try to disobey him. If you are able to break his rules no matter what, you are taking a huge step toward separating from Ed. Disobeying Ed means you are moving in the right direction. Don't expect it to be easy.
Ed still has his same old rules for me, but I do not have to follow them anymore. Today I act from a position of personal strength and positive self-esteem. I order what I really want to eat in a restaurant. I wear clothes that are comfortable and that I feel good in. And I can even ride up an elevator without going up a dress size.
Here is a chapter (SHORT) from the book that really resonates with my personal eating disorder:
I stepped on the elevator with three other people. That made a total of five of us on the elevator. Yes, I did say five. Ed [the eating disorder] was also along for the ride. As soon as the elevator doors shut and we headed up, Ed whispered in my ear, "Congratulations, Jenni. You are the thinnest person on this elevator. You are really special today." The elevator stopped at floor three, and a very petite woman stepped inside.
Ed immediately said, "Jenni, that woman is thinner than you. You are so large. You have really let go of yourself." From the ground floor to level three, I felt as if I had gained twenty or thirty pounds. Have you ever gained weight while riding an elevator? If you have, then you must be familiar with one of Ed's favorite rules: "You must always be the thinnest person in any given place at any given time."
Ed has rules for everything. There are wardrobe rules: "Your 'skinny' jeans must always fit your body loosely," and, "On the days that you binge, you must wear your baggy clothes." Then, there is the dining rule: "You must always eat less than the people you are dining with on any occasion." Your Ed may have slightly different rules for you, but one thing is for sure. He has rules, and he expects you to follow them.
What happens if you do not follow Ed's rules? When I don't obey Ed, he tells me that I am a worthless individual. He says, "If you don't do what I am saying, you will never be successful. People will just look down on you for your whole life. You will never realize your full potential."
On the other hand, if I listen to Ed and do what he says, he tells me, "You are so special. You are doing what 'normal' people can't do. You are a success. If you keep listening to me, your life will be wonderful. You will always be in control." In reality, you must remember who is really in control--Ed.
When you are trying to begin your separation from Ed, it is important that you first recognize Ed's rules in your life. You must be able to distinguish between standards that Ed holds for you and healthy boundaries that you set for yourself. You must realize that Ed's rules do not make sense. For instance, many of Ed's rules contradict each other. On one day, Ed tells you not to touch that ice cream or dare drink that soda. Then, the very next day, Ed says, "Eat that entire gallon of ice cream, and drink three cans of soda. Eat as much as you can until you feel sick." Ed's rules are designed to harm us.
After you are able to recognize Ed's rules in your life, you must try to disagree with and disobey them. Even if it seems impossible for you to actually disagree with one of Ed's rules, you must still try to disobey him. If you are able to break his rules no matter what, you are taking a huge step toward separating from Ed. Disobeying Ed means you are moving in the right direction. Don't expect it to be easy.
Ed still has his same old rules for me, but I do not have to follow them anymore. Today I act from a position of personal strength and positive self-esteem. I order what I really want to eat in a restaurant. I wear clothes that are comfortable and that I feel good in. And I can even ride up an elevator without going up a dress size.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
LIFE
This is a quote that was on my birthday card from my dad's girlfriend:
Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is bliss, taste it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is a sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it...
--Mother Teresa
Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is bliss, taste it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is a sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it...
--Mother Teresa
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