Blog Vomit. Welcome back?

So, the title of this post is "Blog Vomit. Welcome back?" because I have no idea how to blog anymore, and there are too many thoughts flying around in my head for me to focus and extend on any one for more than maybe a paragraph. I guess this is just a welcome back to me post.

I need to focus on figuring out what I want and who I am. I know that I have been working on it for at least the last five years; however, I seem to make decisions based off of a big, looming emotion: Loneliness. It amazes me how powerful this emotion can control me. I try to ignore it, avoid it, and outwit it. I usually don't win. (I was tempted to say that I never win, but I do not like the word "never").

I haven't blogged for some time now, so it feels weird putting something out there on the interwebs... I need to start writing or journaling again to process a lot of stuff that is going on. This might be a good step bad into it. I think I may have posted before about this same thing. Just because I am saying it again, though, does not make it any less valid and emotion-filled as the previous post (if it exists still).

My mind is all over the place... My roommate and best friend for the past four and a half years is moving out tonight and leaving for Delaware. Oh, and her boyfriend (one of my other best friends) is also leaving with her. At least he will be here over the summer. I am so incredibly grateful that he will be here. I don't know who else I will hang out with though. I feel like a lot of my friends have moved on. Although I know that I can make friends easily, it just feels wrong to start over again. I wanted Minnesota to be my safe haven, which it has been - for the most part. It's just hard to feel like I don't belong, when I have felt like I belong for some time now.

Perhaps I do feel like I belong and I am just lonely, like I mentioned before. It is hard to distinguish which thoughts and feelings go together.

I have been feeling more extroverted and more like "me" than I have in awhile. Yet, I have many feelings of discomfort as well. I am not used to feeling like "me." I'm used to feeling like how I think others want me to be. I'm not used to feeling so many emotions and actually experiencing them on my own. I'm afraid of the future and being a disappointment. I'm afraid of not being perfect.

Anywho, that got into some of my deep, judgmental fears that I don't want to go further into at this time. A part of my anxiety is that I have rules for how far I can go with certain things - limiting myself in almost each activity, etc., that I have come across. I know that I tend to stop at this scary point of thinking about how often I limit myself. I don't think tonight is the night to explore this further. Maybe that will get me to start using my journal.

~Rachel

La.Bella.Vita: Another Disney Princess Makeover

La.Bella.Vita: Another Disney Princess Makeover: Really? Did the media and Walt Disney Productions have to go and do this?! What was young with this beautiful, bold, and strong character...

Grateful List

I feel so incredibly grateful right now... I am having a hard time even putting to words how thankful I am for the people in my life. 

1. Natalie, for sending me her photo stream of the pictures she has taken on her phone in China.
2. Natalie, for FaceTiming or iChatting with me.
3. The crackle fireplace app on my computer (with a candle nearby to add some effect)
4. Candles, for smelling so great!
5. Clothes. Lots of them. Winter is cold!
6. My mom, for loving me no matter what.
7. My dad, for planning this huge trip to China over New Years to celebrate and reunite with Natalie.
8. Merlin, the BBC show, for reminding me about how much I love magic and cheesy shows.

I actually have a lot more that I am thankful for; however, I really need to hit the hay.

Overwhelmed?

So, today might be the day that I get my tattoo on my back shoulder... I'm very nervous and excited at the same time. A lot of my nerves stem from not seeing the artist in person yet. I've communicated a TON through her managers and assistants, but I haven't seen her yet...And I really want to see what her mock-ups look like... This tattoo will be on my body for the rest of my life (obviously), and it is also very expensive... I'm risking a lot with this.

For example, my dad is so disappointed in me to the point where he just decided to cut me off financially (besides insurance and phone--the phone was a Christmas present). What scares me is that now I have to work two jobs, probably full-time with both hours combined, finish an online class AND start another semester in school, and somehow fit in recovery appointments into all of this... I am sad because I have been doing yoga at The Emily Program for almost a year now, but I may have to stop because of all of this chaos. I might sign up for the Friday AM yoga group, and then see how my work schedule works around/with it.

Speaking of work, I train for my new job all of next week...I get paid a lot for training ($9.15/hr--woohoo!), but I will still be working my other job at Pinstripes... Hmm...when to get work/studying done... ? Any suggestions from my followers? Let me know!

Since I'm so busy, this is all I feel that my anxiety can handle to write right now... sitting still doesn't sound very appealing at the moment.

Scared and excited,
Rachel

Happy Birthday Demi Lovato!

Although she is mainly known as a teenage star on Disney Channel's "Camp Rock" and "Camp Rock 2," this actress and singer is an amazing role model for girls around the world. She has gone through rehab for self-harm and eating disorder recovery, and she does not give in to critical comments about her body. Great for her! I can't imagine having an eating disorder AND being famous. Luckily, I am just a middle-person in the country, so I only need to focus on my eating disorder recovery. 

She even has tattoos on her wrists to cover up the scars: "Stay Strong"

Happy GOLDEN Birthday Demi Lovato! 

20 Years old on August 20th, 2012! 

La.Bella.Vita: Expanding Your Knowledge

La.Bella.Vita: Expanding Your Knowledge: When I mention the words ‘eating disorder’ people immediately think of Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia. But, it shouldn’t stop there. There ar...

Return

Wow, it's been awhile since I've posted on my blog...over a year. And it's amazing to read the posts that I put up. Even when I didn't want to work on recovery, I still posted on my blog to help give myself some hope and motivation.

I'm happy to say that I am much further along in my recovery than I was when I had created this blog. Sure, my anxiety is still really high; but, I am more aware of the rules in my life that the excerpt from Life Without Ed talks about. For example, I still have a rule about how much I can talk in conversations with certain people. How little I should say. If I say any more than the limit - I get in trouble. If I say less - it's okay. Similar to my eating disorder...if I eat less during the day, Ed congratulates me. If I eat even a tiny bit over my meal plan, I get a mental ass-whooping. Not anymore. Or, not as often, at least.

I now have a job as a host at a restaurant, and I also got another job working with disabled students on campus (yay!), AND I'm taking classes this semester. I don't remember the last time I was able to do so much at one time. It feels great! And it's all because I'm using common sense, but also taking care of myself nutritionally. I still have fear foods; I still fear calories. Those fears are not the same though as they were in the past. If I think about it, developing my eating disorder took many years... I can't expect myself to break free from it right away (although, that's what Ed wants me to think).

Since I'm just getting back into the groove of blogging, I'll end here for the day. There's much to be thankful for, and I am so grateful to have such an amazing support group that I've created from those close to me.

Here's a video of one of my favorite yoga poses to help release any tension you readers may have!

Namaste